I just wrote this.

I know for a lot of you it will appear in your inbox, but for those who didnt, or deleted it without looking, i'd really like if you could read it.

[link]

i would like a bit of critique, if you have any. i don't want to change the structure of it very much.. and the ideas are exactly right for what is in my head, but if you think there is anything that could make it better, please let me know.

i have a love for snow globes. ever since i was a little girl, i was fascinated with them. i have 3 at the moment, one from when i was born, one from england and one from my old boss, who was lovely!
but they just look so peaceful, and so beautiful. they are probably the only non-music thing that i collect (although 2/3 actually play music, they're wind up ones...)

anyway, i just wanted to ask you all to do me a favour if you could please read it and let me know what you think. i really enjoyed writing this, and it didn't take me very long! so i really hope you like it too

love,
Jess xxo

i'm confused.


that is all.


i hate two-faced.

I really never thought that losing a friend could break your heart. not in the same way a boyfriend does when he breaks up with you.

But it's happened! to me! (see [link] )
i feel like i need to explain this poem, even if for my own memories, because i have fount that, looking back, i have regretted not writing down who a poem was about.




My heart, that you’ve stolen, is breaking.
It hurts so much not having you here
I know the answer is in my hands
But they’re tied up behind my back

kind of self explanatory. i know what i WANT to do, but other people and you are preventing me from doing that.

My only hope of freedom… I need a sense of control
A part of me that’s normal
Maybe it’s of the world, but that doesn’t matter now
I'm careening off this road

the wording is odd, but i'm trying to say i need to forget what's going on for a while because my thoughts are taking me to a place i really don't want to be... again.

You told me, you’d always be behind me
I can’t really tell if that was a lie
You know that game? Called trust?
I think I just hit the floor.

he once told me that i was one of 4 people whose opinions he cared about. that he trusted and would never hurt. then came the last 3 lines of this stanza (and not a literal hit the floor, perhaps the figurative 'rock bottom' is a better phrase)

What I really want to say
Without all the poetic nonsense,
Is that I can’t function without your friendship
I can’t breathe knowing you don’t care

it's true. i was at a camp that he was at on the weekend, and i starting hyperventilating when i realised he wasn't talking to me (BS'09). sometimes i also think i try to make things poetic, when all i really need to do is say what i need to say.

So close, too close,
and yet so very far.
I just want to have your friendship
I never want any more than that

he's one of my best friends, but his girlfriend didn't/doesn't like me. so we got as close as friends could be, then it was all gone because she thought i liked him. which i dont. for very personal reasons, i could never date him. but that doesnt mean that i dont want the friendship we had.

I don’t want her to be jealous
And I don’t want you to leave
I don’t want to be left out again
If only you knew how I bleed.

pretty self explanatory, however the last line is not strictly true. because he DOES know.

If you thought about me
Like I thought about you
I know that we wouldn’t be here
And I'm sorry that it isn’t true.

kind of confusing to me, even know. i think i was trying to say that if he knew that i wouldn't date him ever, that if he UNDERSTOOD that, then we wouldn't be in this mess, because his girlfriend would understand it too.

There’s no rhyme, or reason, here.
There’s nothing of importance to say
This isn’t about what I can come up with,
I'm just trying to get it out.

pretty much i'm not mincing words. i'm saying what's on my heart

Out of my heart, out of my mind
And off my chest, if you will
I guess it’s sad you won’t read this
Now, I think I’ll take the blue pill.

if you don't understand the last line, ask someone who's seen the matrix

Give it a week, and you’ll forget me
Because I know that’s the way that they want it
Give it a month, and you wont have a choice
Because you chose to not have a voice.

he would do anything to keep them happy, even if it means hurting someone else.

I’ll shout and scream,
If I thought you would listen
But it’s obvious that you don’t care.
You care enough, only, about them, to stay away
‘cause friends… too much for her to bear.

okay the 4th line is really confusing, i admit. but this is my reasoning. it seems that he doesnt care about me. however i think he thinks that by avoiding me, i wont get as hurt. or he wont.. and he gets the girl and keeps his other best friend in the process, and i lose 3 of mine.

I want you to know I don’t care.
Whatever it is that they say.
But it’s oh so hard to fight for you
When you keep on walking away.

bad punctuation here, second line is meant to mean that no matter what they say, i WILL still care

If you stay gone, I swear my heart
Will close up, stop beating, decease.
Life wasn’t meant to be lonely
But you would rather them, than me.

pretty much what it says. i would die without him, but he would rather die without THEM

So maybe, after all this,
There’s just one thing I want you to know
I’ll be here, when she’s gone.
Because that’s how it always goes.

i'm always the one to pick up the pieces, and when rach is gone, i will still be here, because i can't stand the thought of him havig no one.

I’ll be the one.
I’ll put your friendship back together
Then I’ll shrink back into the dark.

then i'm gone, because thats the way it goes.

Do you ever have days where you just get bombarded with life?

Not the happiness or the wonder or beauty of coincidence. Taking God out of the equation and realising that we'd probably be even worse off without Him?

A friend of mine recently posted a journal about his struggle with what he's going through, with finding jobs and parents who constantly nag and pressure us. It kind of made me think about how much pressure we put on ourselves. To be the child they want. The one they're proud of. The one that maybe one day they'll look back and say, we did a good job with that kid.

I wonder what my parents would think of me, if they knew what my friends on dA even know. Not just the love and the fights in friendships, but the questioning of life, and the reason for existence of so many things.

I wish I could get away. To just go somewhere and forget about all the... crap. To focus on the questions that pull at my mind every day, but I never 'have time' to seek the answers for. The little things, like what the guys name is who works in the mail centre, and never fails to look away every time i look at him. or why noodles are 10 cents cheaper in one place, when people only give 10 cent coins to buskers anyway?

Then there's the big stuff. Do I love that person unconditionally? Or are there limits, they just haven't been tested yet? and just to bring on the awkwardness... is there a reason i'm saving myself when all my christian friends seem to all accidentally sleep with someone?

Then there's the obvious questions. What is the character of God? Why do things seem to all pile up at once? Why am I who I am... whoever that is?

I need a break from the commotion. i want to go somewhere where I am completely alone. Yet at the same time I'm scared that I'll not be able to figure out life if someone isn't there for me to talk to. As of late, I've found it hard to have a conversation with someone, simply on the basis that I don't want to a) bore them b) freak them out c) seem self-centred by talking about myself too much. My sentences usually end with "but yeah" or, "I dunno"... even though I do know.

Where did my confidence go?

I want to see God. literally. I know i can't look Him in the face or i will die, but i want to be like... moses? and see him from the back, or just see his brilliance. To know that there is something so Great about Him that I will just fall on my face and beg forgiveness for never being good enough except by His son.

Every day, I try and read some of the Bible. Even if it's just a few verses. And before every time (when i remember...) I ask God to give me a new understanding. To really see what He's trying to say to me.
And then I get afraid when things are shown to me and I ignore them, or keep them too myself because I don't want to seem crazy, or judgmental. what would my friends really say if I told them I thought they weren't christians?

I'm scared of being worldly, but at the same time, I'm scared to be rejected by it. I know I can't be one or the other. I can't serve both God and 'money', or material things.

I've been thinking about doing a mission trip. But I know what my parents would say. I only just got a job, and already I want to leave it to go overseas? I need to have money, I need to buy a car. In fact, have two jobs, just for a while, and see if you can cope with the 50 hour week. i'm working 7 days in a row this week, and it's taking a toll on me.

I want to relax. I want time in my own head. I know that SOUNDS stupid, but I need time to work on my heart, and my soul. Or more for God to do His work in me. I'm constantly being healed and re-healed by Him, because i am constantly being hurt. But I want to be so focused on Him that I see nothing else. I don't want to be materialistic, but here I am posting a journal on a site, hoping that my friends who aren't christians won't reject me.

I'm totally not in sync. I'm out of date and out of focus. But there's just not enough time in life to do all the things you need to.

I was wrong.

Oh so terribly wrong.